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FreeNotFurry
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Name: Free
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: Fort Worth
Gender: Male
Interests: Sexuality and sexology, music, metaphysics, society at large
Expertise: Changing perspectives
Industry: Prose and Sexology
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
12/10/2004
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| ConfessionalForgive me Xanga, for I have strayed. It has been 6 months and one day since my last entry, and this one is likely to be the last.
I drop in once in a while because there have been some wonderful friends, wonderful memories, and I hope that they will find me as I move on. I'm all over the Internet as FreeNotFurry, or if you know my real name I'm on Facebook. Eventually, I will have a new site up at http://quixtic.com but for now it's just hosting a side business.
I wish I could say that all of the relationships and other dramas have sorted themselves out, but... well, let's just say being up this late isn't as normal as it once was. I have found my direction. An ambitious book on race and class, my truest calling, and one I can only hope to do justice.
I will continue to archive the entries here, for posterity or possible publication after I'm a famous novelist, so the site isn't going down quite yet. For other news on my writing projects, check out http://jslorentz.livejournal.com, though I haven't posted there in months either.
Thanks to Xanga and all the Xangans who left before us. I wouldn't be anyone if it hadn't been for you.
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| Life Is Like a Box of Bulletpoints- My body declared war on me earlier this year. I've had a lot of minor but annoying issues that aren't even consistent from one week to another. Most afflict my GI system or neck and back and only respond moderately to medicine and other remedies, then go away or at least get better after a week or so.
- After attending the Democratic State Convention in support of Obama, I spent a month or so away from politics. Just as I started to get involved again, a job fell in my lap, so I now work four afternoons a week (plus occasionally online) for the campaign of a local candidate.
- Rather than quickly getting sick of politics, I find that I'm loving it even more. But what I love isn't so much the machinations behind the scenes and the poll-watching strategy. I like the conversations.
- My long distance relationship has been dealt the Death card. As any tarot novice can tell you, Death doesn't have to mean finality, but continuing on requires a pretty radical transition. We won't know which will be the case until this weekend, in, of all places, Amarillo.
- Kare's new apartment is spectacular. And I can't wait to try out the new bed. It's waist-high and very soft, so interpret that any way you like. :)
- I'm beginning to leverage clients for a side business. I'm trying to work up a business plan that stretches from simple web design to tax preparation but that will still allow me some time to write. I've been full of ideas all summer, but almost no follow-through.
- I am craving a social life. Not dating or sex (well, not often), but time spent sitting down and talking with cool people. All of my friends are spread far and wide, and I keep wanting to throw a party, but I have no idea when or how I could pull one off, especially since my free time will become more and more rare as we approach the election.
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| Music Software--recommendations?OK, so there are about a million and a half of these, and I'm wondering what people are using? I've been attached to Musicmatch Jukebox since I first started ripping to MP3 in college, but they re-branded by Yahoo last year and have finally started sabotaging the older versions of users who refused to "upgrade".
OK, so what I'm looking for: I use mp3s, not wmas, and I prefer a program with excellent tagging/cataloging/sorting. Most of my collection comes from my ever-expanding personal collection of CDs, so CD look-up is a must. I already have over 6500 well-tagged mp3s, so it would be especially nice if I could import the existing ID3v2 tags. I have speculated that it would be nice if you could tag CDs the way you tag blog entries, i.e., without specifying which tag is "artist" and which is "genre", just letting them speak for themselves--but I don't know if such a thing exists. I was also rather fond of the file-monitoring, which would automatically track mp3s in my library if I moved them while the program was open.
One feature I would like that I didn't have is the ability to edit mp3s, trimming dialogue or splitting or merging tracks. But I have another program that can do it.
What I don't need:
I hate advertizing and pushy sales (hence my beef with Yahoo). I hate WMAs on principle if nothing else. I hate slow programs (iTunes, I'm looking at you). I hate inept automatic tagging, but if I can make changes it's still better than having little or no tagging at all (iTunes again). I hate programs that try to do and be everything and suffer core quality as a result (Anyone remember Realplayer? Damn, that was a fine video program back in the day).
For reasons stated above, I'm ruling out Windows Media Player (or whatever the hell its called now), iTunes, RealPlayer, and Yahoo. I own a program by Magix (I use their mp3 editing), but I don't know if it's any good.
I'm willing to buy good software if it will save me some of these headaches, but I don't know what to get. I'd also be interested if there are decent opensource programs out there. Any recommendations would be greatly appreciated!
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| FlashbackI was up late archiving some entries from my previous blog and thought I should come on and say how wonderful my life is and wax poetic about how different it has become.
When I started blogging, I didn't know where I wanted to be, what I wanted to be doing, or whom I wanted to be with. I began the practice as a place to vent and an incubator for that budding personality that was still too weak to make a full entrance. I can proudly say that that person has emerged and thrived and that he is, more than ever, the Luckiest Bastard on Earth.
But being yourself isn't about yourself--truth requires at least a corroborating witness. Since I was glancing at stuff from 2005-6, let me throw out some random updates that may not have been addressed in the interim:
Since my grandmother passed away, I have continued to live with my grandfather, who has never lived alone in his life. He is more or less totally independent, despite his age, so I am more here for company. It works for me because I can take on fun and odd jobs for short stints without having to lock into a "career" per se.
My first love, of course, is my writing, and thanks in large part to my partnership with Kare, I have written more on my own in the last two years than in the previous 26.
My family all lives in the area, though I don't see them as much as I'd
like. My mom is dating a friendly rascal many years her senior, my
brother is paying his first mortgage and wanting to change jobs. My
niece and nephew are a lot of fun and it's nice to think I can claim
some small part in their growing up.
Re-reading items from 2006 reminded me how eager my best friend and I were to live in the same area code again, but I feel more strongly than ever that we have not made the most of it. He is happily married to a wonderful woman who is his perfect foil, and I was proud to serve as his best man (less so for my nervous, blubbering toast at the reception). Last year he trained for eight months and joined a nearby police force, but his last training shift has been put on hold while he recovers from a motorcycle accident. He's supposed to be off tomorrow, think I'll try to drop in. I also believe I owe him a road trip or two.
I am beloved and my mind, heart, and soul are constantly stimulated by the two women in my life. Polyamory has stabilized for us for now, and I am finding myself more humbled, more creative, and more supported than ever before. As we have finally stepped more away from set roles and categories for these relationships, they are naturally progressing in their own directions, and it is a great comfort to let that happen without wondering what part jealousy may play in any small decision. Just in recent weeks, this comfort level has even allowed for terrific conversations on kink, power, and gender, and I think there is wonderful room for learning ahead of us.
I travel more than ever, thanks in part to my one strong root in New Mexico, Fox. And I love the open road.
I have been able to engage politics on the levels that I love--talking one-on-one with people who believe and people who question and helping my comrades organize for a larger movement. As much as I hate politics, it's just hard not to throw myself into it when you can meet so many great people.
I miss my Denton crew, but I do have a social circle and they are a blast. I hope to one day gather them all in one place, but I have no idea where that place would be. In the meantime, though I am still sad that Fezz, Mo, and Cake are far far apart from one another (and none particularly close to me), I will always treasure that trio's role in introducing me to my first poly community and welcoming me to someplace that both was and was not home to me at the time. Though I am still sad for how much has changed, there are many individuals and groups who have stepped in and broadened my community: new and old faces from Denton, Starbucks employees and groupies, the DFW theatre scene, Dallas accountants who swim, older versions of the people I knew and loved in high school, and countless friendly folks online who have, might, and will become so much more.
I have come so far. Thank you to everyone who has taken any one of those steps with me. And for the dozenth time, I apologize if I don't post as much... I've taken that time I used to spend dreaming about life and started actually living it. :*
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| Hiding Out and Hitting the RoadI've traveled over 6,000 miles since the 20th of May and have another 1200 to go this weekend. I love chaos and busy-ness in my life, but this is getting to be too much.
I challenged myself to go to Seattle without my laptop, with the result of feeling a bit more detached from it but still wasting too much time and still not writing like I should be.
Between travels, there have been several disappointments and surprises...
I had to give up soda and later go on a special diet to sort out some GI issues. The diet has been a hassle because I was expected to run around Austin for 12 hours a day running on peaches and Jello; I think I'm still feeling the sugar buzz. He also wanted me off dairy, just in case, which has seriously compromised most of my diet and raised the cost of my chais 40-50 cents. We still don't know the cause, but I am feeling a bit better. I had half a 7-Up last night and felt okay, so soda may make a graceful return. My next appointment is Monday.
I still haven't heard from the woman in charge of the New Orleans gig. I don't feel that she likes me (or at least not my resume, since that's all she knows at this point), but I'm missing a lot of context (such as what she is like as a person, how good is her relationship with her daughter, who referred me, and why the program funding hasn't come through yet).
The haunted house where I have worked the last two years is officially closed. Not only am I out a fall job/creative outlet, I'm also out a lot of time spent planning and am left with a bunch of junk I'd been hoarding. Good thing that roof guy didn't bring those palettes after all...
I got a bill in the mail this morning from a hospital expense incurred and paid two years ago. I am also having issues with a credit card company charging interest I don't understand but have put off calling.
I got a book I'd forgotten I'd lent to--I don't know, an ex-friend?, ex-lover?--on my windshield wiper this morning. I've missed the friendship a lot more than the book.
I've taken a break from following politics closely since the convention in Austin, but Obama's decision to refuse public financing has upset me and I haven't yet made time to look into it and think about it further.
Two out of the three people (well, technically, three out of four, but two were together) I wanted to visit in and around Seattle didn't come through. And I don't just mean we couldn't meet up, I mean they failed to notify me as our preliminary plans became undoable, and for days, I heard nothing, no "yea" or "nay". Luckily, there were contingency plans, but even my girlfriend and co-traveler admits that four days with her nieces may have been too much.
I've still never been to Canada.
I realized that I spent more money and thought on souvenirs for my girlfriend's kids than my own niece and nephew, but that it made sense because I see more of them and know them better.
The travels have taxed both of my relationships in unusual ways. I'm positively blissful when I am alone with one or the other, but the time between is often spent in terror of offending or slighting someone... We are each usually wishing there were more hours in a day and fewer miles in our way, but my faraway girlfriend has gotten used to seeing a lot of me so saying goodbye gets even harder and ever-higher levels of communication seem obligatory, my local girlfriend misses our usual time together and probably wants more but is scared to ask for it and frets over it all, and I am terrified that I will some day have to walk away from both rather than choose one because I love so intensely and I am so poor at balancing the hours in the day. I keep trying to bring this all up, to ask them or warn them and talk about how things might improve, but to little avail. I feel like I'm not saying it right. Although I'm pretty sure blurting it on a blog is not the best way to do it, right now it's the only one I can think of.
Oh, I suppose I should probably be making time for myself in there, too... somewhere. You know, meditate, read tarot, something...
A budding more-than-friendship ended abruptly before it had truly began. Is it possible to be 100% in agreement and respect of her reasons but still miss the opportunity? It was a nice prospect to have a cuddle friend who lived nearby, but I've been busy and shy about reaching out since.
I've been entrusted with some of Kare's old computer files, which need to be sorted and certain things extracted. They also came with a lovely bouquet of old adware that McAfee is still hunting down.
My high school reunion is this weekend. I'm not going. I was active and enthusiastic in the early stages of planning, but a few aggravations with my fellow committee members led to weaker communication led to me being left out of decisions and other processes led to me getting distracted with other things led to those distractions becoming more important to me led to me not really wanting to go. There are other convenient excuses, too, about timing and who will or won't be there that I actually want to see, but it's still a little bittersweet.
I want to talk to my best friend about more of what's going on in my life, but I think I am putting up a wall. I keep fearing that as my life gets ever-crazier and he moves on with his traditional marriage and religious values, he will gradually move awaw from love and respect toward mere tolerance, if he hasn't already. He has assured me before that this will not happen, but the less we talk, the more I feel it, and the more I fear talking to him.
I spent way too much money on these trips, about three times my usual monthly expenses, and will be unlikely to have new income secured before that next credit card bill hits. I have made it all year without asking my grandfather for money; I'd really prefer to continue that trend.
My favorite annual issue of my favorite magazine is out now, but my subscription ran out six months ago and I can't really afford to renew it right now... no, it's not sold in (many) stores.
I'm far behind in reading other people's blogs, but so far my efforts at catching up on them haven't been very satisfying. I'm also watching a lot of TV... I really am in the mood to zone, aren't I?
Wow, that's a lot of whining. Surely there's something uplifting to write about... a couple days ago,
I finally explored a bike-ridable path from my neighborhood to the
nearest shopping center. It's pretty, hilly but not intensely so, low
traffic... I may have finally found an area to ride around here, and should help a little with exercise and gas prices.
Tomorrow night, I will be in Tennessee, snarfing away on the Best Ribs Ever. Then Sunday, we're going back for more, and hoping to bring a few back to share.
I bought a couple of records from an antique store in Pt. Townsend, including one of Duke Ellington's finest performance, the 1956 Newport Jazz Festival. I don't even have a record player, but they were too lovely to pass up.
I've been singing Les Miserables and Aerosmith the last day or two and loving the hell out of both.
I have some great ideas for small writing projects that might bring in a tiny bit of cash, then I'm looking forward to entering the editing stage of the novel I finished in April.
I am loved, in so many wonderful and fulfilling ways. I know that whatever comes next will not change that fact.
Wow, writing that last line (and taking a deep breath) helped. A lot. :)
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